“I was definitely hurting myself seeing you go, and it hurts even more everyday…”
One cold Saturday, I was tired walking so I sat at the Pizzeria 2blocks from the Famous Eiffel Tower. I was looking at my lenses, cleaning it and making a test shot, as I kept on zooming the lens of my camera I saw a guy… A lonely guy seating in the Coffee Shop two stores from the Pizzeria, I was pretty curious about his sadness, so I planned to go to him and ask, but I failed to catch him because as I’m paying my bill he went to another place already. For three consecutive days, I was waiting for him at the Coffee Shop but I failed to find him, I then gave a conclusion that he’s only one of the tourists here in Paris, France. But my curiosity didn’t let me sleep, so the next day I asked one of the clerks of the Coffee Shop. And he pretty managed to answer some of my questions, like the identity of the lonely guy.
He straightly said, “Ma’am, I don’t know your reason but in his past receipts his name was punched as LUKE D.”
And I was really thankful that he then gave me the thing that I really looked for. I asked my friends in Viator to help me find him and lucky for me the next day my co-worker Devin called.
“Hey girl, I saw the only LUKE D. in the lists, he’s from Los Angeles, but he’s still here, maybe you can find him somewhere here in France, I’m pretty sure he didn’t checked out in our Hotel yet. Bye”
What was that? Is that the lucky day for me? I think it’s my time to run before my curiosity. So the next day, I went back to the Pizzeria and accidentally saw Mr. Luke, of course I didn’t waste any of my chances.
“Good Afternoon mister, last week I saw you alone in a coffee shop near this Pizzeria, If you don’t mind can I talk to you?”
He answered fast and loudly, “that’s what I need at this time, I’m Luke Descham, I’m originally from Los Angeles but I’m residing at Colorado for school. How about you? You seem so interested of something?”
Well, I answered him a big yes. But I asked him again for another thing, I said, “The moment I saw you, you’re looking or should I say staring at your watch. You seem sad, I don’t know if my theories were all right but that’s what I saw with my camera.”
He turned quiet, for almost 5minutes he didn’t answer a thing, and just the time I'm about to stand on my seat and just leave, he then answered as fast as he could, he said, “Time didn’t gave me a reason to stay here, Love was left and Loneliness grabbed all the smiles in this world.”
“How is that possible?” I simply wondered.
“Simple, it’s a matter of understanding what LEAVE means.” He arrogantly said.
I didn’t answer anything rather I was so determined to know more about him, It all felt like a cold world at first but at the end all I know is I want to know more about him, I want to be his friend.
I’m working here in Paris, France but originally I’m From New York, for what I know is that I’m happy here in Paris. This place is the right place for love and happiness. And all I know is all good things are worth the wait. I’ve been single since forever, that’s why my friends always define love for me as SINGLE. But they didn’t know that I want to be loved, I want someone to care for me, but as what I always say, “I’m just not lucky at this time. With Luke, the first time I saw him was like magic, I felt something inside me keeps on pushing me to know him more, to be with him every day and ask him what I want and what I need to know.
For almost 2 months we see each other 4 times a week which was definitely not normal for me, for the two of us. And then came the time he asked me to be his girl, he even gave the sweetest words I ever heard.
”The time I convinced myself to slowly give up, you came… now that I’m starting to build a reason to go on, I want this race to be our race.” ,for whatever reason I was stunned and my mouth just opened and bid a loud yes.
Luke and I were a bit of timid at first but we got used to it. He met my family in New York, and then he introduced me to his clan in Los Angeles. All went well, until the big changed happened. At my 24th birthday he gave me a brand new Canon DSLR, as I opened the box, I felt it was already opened, but I just ignored it anyway.
I opened and checked the camera. I gave the camera my first shot. And when I looked at the gallery, I was surprised that there were other photos taken at the camera, so I continued looking, I saw the pictures of Luke holding a board, on every picture he’s holding a board with different message, and when I figured it out, I was shocked that it says,
“Kristen Bynes, Will You Marry Me?” and he was laughing at my back asking for the quickest answer I can give.
“Have you figured it out now?” he whispered.
“Yes! Okay, wait, I do!” I answered.
“What?” he again asked.
“I do!” I immediately added.
Obviously, I marry this man I met in the City of Love. For 3 years our relationship had gone so well, but we have decided not to have our child yet. We’re still enjoying the fact that we’re together and we’ll spend our lives loving each other, but there also came a time that we felt our differences, we know, we’re not a perfect couple, we also go through ups and downs.
On the 4th year of our married life, as the day pass by, Luke became far and silent. I felt that somehow the old Luke that I saw in a Coffee Shop was back. I felt so lonely and alone that it seems like I was left behind.
There was a time he asked me how will I spend my days without him, I was annoyed and didn’t answer anything. I was confused and tired. One time, he got sick, fever, to be particular, he again asked me, but this time he was serious.
“You know, life is too short, what if the one you love left you alone, what will you feel? I don’t know if a girl like you will understand but I need an answer.” His eyes we’re waiting… waiting for an answer from me.
All I thought is he was just picking on me.
So I answered, “You can definitely believe what you wanted to believe. I cannot answer that, the same thing when I’m asking you what is the reason for you to keep looking on your watch every 3 hours. I don’t understand either.”
He smiled back and whispered, “Someday, you’ll know the perfect reason, but for now, I’m still constructing my reasons…”
His statements hit me back and I felt that I have to know what he wanted me to know. I want to understand.
Months passed, we became so quiet and we don’t do anymore what we actually do every day. So I have decided to make things clear, that we might just need a space for now. For me, it's very hard, but I asked him to understand me, I want to go home and visit the place where I was born.
He asked me again and again, “Is that what you really need? Come back if you already miss me again, anyway, I’ll be waiting, I didn’t marry you to just make you understand what I understand, but I marry you because you made me understand different perspectives that were possible to happen.”
I was teary eyed whispering to him, “I never failed to love you, but I just need time to think, maybe I could find answers somewhere. Promise me one thing, you’ll tell me the reason why you always look at your watch every 3hours.”
He was smiling and joking, “Is that…… ah, never mind, Yes, I will.”
I stayed in New York for 10 days. I enjoyed my vacation. I feel free again from mistakes and love. But I have to admit that I miss my husband, I really do. For 10 days, I wrote, I wrote about things. Each day, I wrote a letter for him that I planned to give when I came back. But I end up finishing only 8.
Day 1: “Believe it or not, honey, but I went to watch the best Broadway play of all time, the Mamma Mia, I know for you its Hamlet, but I’m into modern musical. I love it, next time I’ll be back here with you.”
Day 2: “I’m all alone, pretty hard but I know I can do this, How are you anyway? Mother asked me if why you’re not with me?, Are we separated? I laughed and nod. I know she already understand that.”
Day 3: “I received your email, I know and I’m sure you already missed your wife, Right? I attended a seminar about Photography at Kodak. I was even enlightened to continue capturing moments. I want to have a photo shoot with you next time.”
Day 4: “I heard that you were with your friend Bryan, How are you? Do you eat often? I’m pretty sure you take out your food all the time. I really miss you. I’ll see you in the next 6 days.”
Day 5: “We talked a while ago, I didn’t feel any regrets. It’s maybe because I really miss you. My brother wants to play basketball with you. Maybe after this we’ll visit them together.”
Day 6: “I was sick, it’s tonsillitis, the doctor said I have no voice right now, that’s why I wasn’t able to answer any of your calls. Sorry, honey.”
Day 7: “I’m packing my things again. I’ll be back there in 3 day. I’ll see you soon.
Day 8: “It’s my farewell party in here… we’ll be travelling the next day, I’ll be stopping over Colorado. I want to visit your family………”
I wasn’t able to see his family. Because his mom called me and said that Luke was rushed to the hospital last night. I was shocked that I wasn’t able to answer anything. She also added some words…
“His congenital heart disease had gone worse, he wants me to keep it a secret to you, but I can’t, please take care of your husband. Don’t blame him. Instead, put the blame on me for not letting my son keep it.”
“What?” I was shocked, still shocked of what I heard, I felt a sudden freeze on my hands and wasn’t able to speak up. All I’m asking myself was definite reasons.
“Why? Why didn’t he tell me? He didn’t have to keep his condition.”
Without any excuses, I took my flight back to France. And saw him lying in a white bed. While walking in the room, tears fell in my eyes. Regrets filled my heart. I felt like the room was so big that my feet were so heavy and I can’t walk with them. As my hands go near him, I saw him smiling. Smiling like nothing happened. I fiercely asked him about everything.
“Why didn’t you tell me before? Why did you let me leave you here and suffer?”
Right at that time I know I’m not expecting something for an answer but mysteriously, he answered.
“I’ve told you, but you were busy asking me things, things that lead my answers to nothing.”
I felt sorry about what he said. I know I was too busy nourishing my own perspectives. I can’t believe that I just ignored my husband, the guy that I love for wrong reasons. I left him and that was kind of absurd.
Days passed, I saw the changes in his body. Sickness lingers in him. While I was busy watching TV, he asked me to turn it off and listen to him. He was kind of serious so what I did is turned the mute on and listened.
“You know what? The first time I saw you here in Paris, I felt bitter on you. I don’t like the way you ask me about things. But it’s kind of a funny story that with those reasons I fell in love with you. I wasn’t able to tell you that since birth I have a congenital heart disease. I felt comfortable and ease with you. You always ask me about my watch, I didn’t know what to say, but I always check my watch every 3 hours because it’s the time for me to take my medicines and check my heart if it still beats normally.
I’m so sorry if I gave you the wrong impression that when I look at my watch it means I don’t like what’s happening, but that’s not the thing. I also look at my watch so often because this is the only way that I can count my time remaining with you.
When you left I was knocked down by loneliness, I thought of everything so bad. I felt the loneliness again, the feeling that I felt when I settled here in Paris because I don’t want my family to feel bad for me, I don’t want them to see me suffer. And then you came, you changed my life, you marry a dying boy, I want to convinced you that it’s not the right time for us to have our kids because of my condition. Our kids might inherit my condition and that’s the worst thing that I don’t want to happen.
I asked you before, what if the person you love leaves you, you answered me with a fierce face, I felt bad because I know, I might hurt you. And did you know that you failed my expectations when you went for New York to feel the air and space. I felt that you didn’t understand me completely. I thought you were so weak that you just left me hanging. I was definitely hurting myself seeing you go, and it hurts even more everyday…”
That moment hit me. He was serious, yes, I know. But his eyes were like saying sorry to me. He then avoided my eyes and tears fell in his eyes. That was the first time I saw him cry, that was the moment I don’t want to feel anything because I see him get hurt because of me. 2 weeks later, the time run fast, he gave all up. His body was so weak that he can’t talk anymore, but for the last time, he whispered in a thin air.
“I Love You, Thank You.”
I know it’s not right for me to blame someone but I did blame myself. Days passed, I saw those letters I wanted him to read when I was in New York. I wasn’t expecting that as I open the letters there were his replies, I told myself, “So, he read all of these? He saw these things?”
His Replies:
Day 1: “I like Mamma Mia too, you know, I already watch the movie version just for you.”
Day 2: “Don’t worry, I told your mom that we’re fine, you just wanted a vacation.”
Day 3: “It’s good that you came all the way there to study photography again, only for 10 days though.”
Day 4: “I’m with Bryan because I’m having my day to day medication. I always buy my food outside because you weren’t here to cook for me. I miss you.”
Day 5: “I’d love to play with your brother again, but it seems like I need more time to rest, regards to him”
Day 6: “That’s what I always tell you, take good care of yourself. Get well soon. I love you.”
Day 7: “I never expected this will happen. I know it helped you a lot.”
Day 8: “Sorry Kristen, for this same day, the news you heard was not that nice. I saw these letters under your pillow, I was happy and I answered them. I love you, thank you for capturing every moment we had. Brace yourself, I'll be with you... I'll always be inside your heart.”
I didn’t expect that this same guy that I have loved for years answered the letters that I didn’t actually gave to him. How I wish I could go back and say sorry to him again and again. Now, I’m focused in line to photography. And that Luke will always be part of my life and ‘til death do us part.
“Good Afternoon mister, last week I saw you alone in a coffee shop near this Pizzeria, If you don’t mind can I talk to you?”
He answered fast and loudly, “that’s what I need at this time, I’m Luke Descham, I’m originally from Los Angeles but I’m residing at Colorado for school. How about you? You seem so interested of something?”
Well, I answered him a big yes. But I asked him again for another thing, I said, “The moment I saw you, you’re looking or should I say staring at your watch. You seem sad, I don’t know if my theories were all right but that’s what I saw with my camera.”
He turned quiet, for almost 5minutes he didn’t answer a thing, and just the time I'm about to stand on my seat and just leave, he then answered as fast as he could, he said, “Time didn’t gave me a reason to stay here, Love was left and Loneliness grabbed all the smiles in this world.”
“How is that possible?” I simply wondered.
“Simple, it’s a matter of understanding what LEAVE means.” He arrogantly said.
I didn’t answer anything rather I was so determined to know more about him, It all felt like a cold world at first but at the end all I know is I want to know more about him, I want to be his friend.
I’m working here in Paris, France but originally I’m From New York, for what I know is that I’m happy here in Paris. This place is the right place for love and happiness. And all I know is all good things are worth the wait. I’ve been single since forever, that’s why my friends always define love for me as SINGLE. But they didn’t know that I want to be loved, I want someone to care for me, but as what I always say, “I’m just not lucky at this time. With Luke, the first time I saw him was like magic, I felt something inside me keeps on pushing me to know him more, to be with him every day and ask him what I want and what I need to know.
For almost 2 months we see each other 4 times a week which was definitely not normal for me, for the two of us. And then came the time he asked me to be his girl, he even gave the sweetest words I ever heard.
”The time I convinced myself to slowly give up, you came… now that I’m starting to build a reason to go on, I want this race to be our race.” ,for whatever reason I was stunned and my mouth just opened and bid a loud yes.
Luke and I were a bit of timid at first but we got used to it. He met my family in New York, and then he introduced me to his clan in Los Angeles. All went well, until the big changed happened. At my 24th birthday he gave me a brand new Canon DSLR, as I opened the box, I felt it was already opened, but I just ignored it anyway.
I opened and checked the camera. I gave the camera my first shot. And when I looked at the gallery, I was surprised that there were other photos taken at the camera, so I continued looking, I saw the pictures of Luke holding a board, on every picture he’s holding a board with different message, and when I figured it out, I was shocked that it says,
“Kristen Bynes, Will You Marry Me?” and he was laughing at my back asking for the quickest answer I can give.
“Have you figured it out now?” he whispered.
“Yes! Okay, wait, I do!” I answered.
“What?” he again asked.
“I do!” I immediately added.
Obviously, I marry this man I met in the City of Love. For 3 years our relationship had gone so well, but we have decided not to have our child yet. We’re still enjoying the fact that we’re together and we’ll spend our lives loving each other, but there also came a time that we felt our differences, we know, we’re not a perfect couple, we also go through ups and downs.
On the 4th year of our married life, as the day pass by, Luke became far and silent. I felt that somehow the old Luke that I saw in a Coffee Shop was back. I felt so lonely and alone that it seems like I was left behind.
There was a time he asked me how will I spend my days without him, I was annoyed and didn’t answer anything. I was confused and tired. One time, he got sick, fever, to be particular, he again asked me, but this time he was serious.
“You know, life is too short, what if the one you love left you alone, what will you feel? I don’t know if a girl like you will understand but I need an answer.” His eyes we’re waiting… waiting for an answer from me.
All I thought is he was just picking on me.
So I answered, “You can definitely believe what you wanted to believe. I cannot answer that, the same thing when I’m asking you what is the reason for you to keep looking on your watch every 3 hours. I don’t understand either.”
He smiled back and whispered, “Someday, you’ll know the perfect reason, but for now, I’m still constructing my reasons…”
His statements hit me back and I felt that I have to know what he wanted me to know. I want to understand.
Months passed, we became so quiet and we don’t do anymore what we actually do every day. So I have decided to make things clear, that we might just need a space for now. For me, it's very hard, but I asked him to understand me, I want to go home and visit the place where I was born.
He asked me again and again, “Is that what you really need? Come back if you already miss me again, anyway, I’ll be waiting, I didn’t marry you to just make you understand what I understand, but I marry you because you made me understand different perspectives that were possible to happen.”
I was teary eyed whispering to him, “I never failed to love you, but I just need time to think, maybe I could find answers somewhere. Promise me one thing, you’ll tell me the reason why you always look at your watch every 3hours.”
He was smiling and joking, “Is that…… ah, never mind, Yes, I will.”
I stayed in New York for 10 days. I enjoyed my vacation. I feel free again from mistakes and love. But I have to admit that I miss my husband, I really do. For 10 days, I wrote, I wrote about things. Each day, I wrote a letter for him that I planned to give when I came back. But I end up finishing only 8.
Day 1: “Believe it or not, honey, but I went to watch the best Broadway play of all time, the Mamma Mia, I know for you its Hamlet, but I’m into modern musical. I love it, next time I’ll be back here with you.”
Day 2: “I’m all alone, pretty hard but I know I can do this, How are you anyway? Mother asked me if why you’re not with me?, Are we separated? I laughed and nod. I know she already understand that.”
Day 3: “I received your email, I know and I’m sure you already missed your wife, Right? I attended a seminar about Photography at Kodak. I was even enlightened to continue capturing moments. I want to have a photo shoot with you next time.”
Day 4: “I heard that you were with your friend Bryan, How are you? Do you eat often? I’m pretty sure you take out your food all the time. I really miss you. I’ll see you in the next 6 days.”
Day 5: “We talked a while ago, I didn’t feel any regrets. It’s maybe because I really miss you. My brother wants to play basketball with you. Maybe after this we’ll visit them together.”
Day 6: “I was sick, it’s tonsillitis, the doctor said I have no voice right now, that’s why I wasn’t able to answer any of your calls. Sorry, honey.”
Day 7: “I’m packing my things again. I’ll be back there in 3 day. I’ll see you soon.
Day 8: “It’s my farewell party in here… we’ll be travelling the next day, I’ll be stopping over Colorado. I want to visit your family………”
I wasn’t able to see his family. Because his mom called me and said that Luke was rushed to the hospital last night. I was shocked that I wasn’t able to answer anything. She also added some words…
“His congenital heart disease had gone worse, he wants me to keep it a secret to you, but I can’t, please take care of your husband. Don’t blame him. Instead, put the blame on me for not letting my son keep it.”
“What?” I was shocked, still shocked of what I heard, I felt a sudden freeze on my hands and wasn’t able to speak up. All I’m asking myself was definite reasons.
“Why? Why didn’t he tell me? He didn’t have to keep his condition.”
Without any excuses, I took my flight back to France. And saw him lying in a white bed. While walking in the room, tears fell in my eyes. Regrets filled my heart. I felt like the room was so big that my feet were so heavy and I can’t walk with them. As my hands go near him, I saw him smiling. Smiling like nothing happened. I fiercely asked him about everything.
“Why didn’t you tell me before? Why did you let me leave you here and suffer?”
Right at that time I know I’m not expecting something for an answer but mysteriously, he answered.
“I’ve told you, but you were busy asking me things, things that lead my answers to nothing.”
I felt sorry about what he said. I know I was too busy nourishing my own perspectives. I can’t believe that I just ignored my husband, the guy that I love for wrong reasons. I left him and that was kind of absurd.
Days passed, I saw the changes in his body. Sickness lingers in him. While I was busy watching TV, he asked me to turn it off and listen to him. He was kind of serious so what I did is turned the mute on and listened.
“You know what? The first time I saw you here in Paris, I felt bitter on you. I don’t like the way you ask me about things. But it’s kind of a funny story that with those reasons I fell in love with you. I wasn’t able to tell you that since birth I have a congenital heart disease. I felt comfortable and ease with you. You always ask me about my watch, I didn’t know what to say, but I always check my watch every 3 hours because it’s the time for me to take my medicines and check my heart if it still beats normally.
I’m so sorry if I gave you the wrong impression that when I look at my watch it means I don’t like what’s happening, but that’s not the thing. I also look at my watch so often because this is the only way that I can count my time remaining with you.
When you left I was knocked down by loneliness, I thought of everything so bad. I felt the loneliness again, the feeling that I felt when I settled here in Paris because I don’t want my family to feel bad for me, I don’t want them to see me suffer. And then you came, you changed my life, you marry a dying boy, I want to convinced you that it’s not the right time for us to have our kids because of my condition. Our kids might inherit my condition and that’s the worst thing that I don’t want to happen.
I asked you before, what if the person you love leaves you, you answered me with a fierce face, I felt bad because I know, I might hurt you. And did you know that you failed my expectations when you went for New York to feel the air and space. I felt that you didn’t understand me completely. I thought you were so weak that you just left me hanging. I was definitely hurting myself seeing you go, and it hurts even more everyday…”
That moment hit me. He was serious, yes, I know. But his eyes were like saying sorry to me. He then avoided my eyes and tears fell in his eyes. That was the first time I saw him cry, that was the moment I don’t want to feel anything because I see him get hurt because of me. 2 weeks later, the time run fast, he gave all up. His body was so weak that he can’t talk anymore, but for the last time, he whispered in a thin air.
“I Love You, Thank You.”
I know it’s not right for me to blame someone but I did blame myself. Days passed, I saw those letters I wanted him to read when I was in New York. I wasn’t expecting that as I open the letters there were his replies, I told myself, “So, he read all of these? He saw these things?”
His Replies:
Day 1: “I like Mamma Mia too, you know, I already watch the movie version just for you.”
Day 2: “Don’t worry, I told your mom that we’re fine, you just wanted a vacation.”
Day 3: “It’s good that you came all the way there to study photography again, only for 10 days though.”
Day 4: “I’m with Bryan because I’m having my day to day medication. I always buy my food outside because you weren’t here to cook for me. I miss you.”
Day 5: “I’d love to play with your brother again, but it seems like I need more time to rest, regards to him”
Day 6: “That’s what I always tell you, take good care of yourself. Get well soon. I love you.”
Day 7: “I never expected this will happen. I know it helped you a lot.”
Day 8: “Sorry Kristen, for this same day, the news you heard was not that nice. I saw these letters under your pillow, I was happy and I answered them. I love you, thank you for capturing every moment we had. Brace yourself, I'll be with you... I'll always be inside your heart.”
I didn’t expect that this same guy that I have loved for years answered the letters that I didn’t actually gave to him. How I wish I could go back and say sorry to him again and again. Now, I’m focused in line to photography. And that Luke will always be part of my life and ‘til death do us part.
nakakaiyak.. ang galing mo ate roanne :))
ReplyDeletethank you:)) haha
ReplyDeletenakakatouch ate. hehe may nxt pa ba yan? abangan ko po
ReplyDelete