Lingering Memoirs

          Sometimes, we just hate to admit that there are these memories that we can never forget and never ever will. I mean, how sure are you that if I ask right now, if who hurt you the most, do you think you will never remember someone even if not in detailed? Or who made you happy for the last 3 years of your life? Maybe we’re just off to that point that we just want to forget but the real deal is… We just can’t.

I was torn between letting just one person to read this letter and posting it on my blog to be seen by myriad people online, Until someone asked me on Tumblr if who definitely inspires me whenever I’m writing my stories. Well, this was a simple story that I just wrote last week. :)

 Dear John,

          I’ve known you for 2 years already. On the very first day I met you, it’s very funny that I asked your whole name but you just gave me your initials because you didn’t want to spill your whole name, like what you always say, “it’s so vintage!.” :D Which was a 2 letter initials, but obviously, your first name is John! Hello, John! Haha! I don’t know why I’m writing this, I’m just trying, maybe.

        
    Lately, I was confused with the line, “you’re in love, yet broken.”

 I remember how I used to be that girl, who always smile because of love and how I am right now, still smiling even if I know I don’t have a complete reason to.

The thing is… it was you who put a sparkle on my eyes. It was summer of 2011, if I’m not mistaken… at the very first day we met, I was annoyed by your posts, and replies. But in the end we met halfway, we enjoyed talking to each other. I still remember how you shared your life with me. I met you at your worst. You were at the middle of a ruined relationship but still you were very open to share and asked what to do… time passed by, I can’t even sleep without you telling me how you are and what are your plans for today, until we became so comfortable talking about our everyday routines. You were an engineering student back then, I even envy your “mathelligence” but you were so nice that you always tell me, “math is easy, you can do it. You just have to be inspired.”  We shared so many things… like stories, those kinda out-of-this-world, and dislikes and likes that were so you-don’t-have-to-know and even those sad ones. I remember how you were so sad because of what happened to one of the members of your family and how I helped you pray for him. (Well, I’m glad everything went just fine.) I remember the moment when you were at the hospital I pissed you because I asked you to sleep there and you refused because you were afraid. I remember how you enumerate your fears after our conversation. I was really startled that you’re really afraid of animals with “beaks”(tuka), flying cockroaches and ghosts. That moment, I knew you were brave enough to admit something might be embarrassing for some.

It’s very nice that even if you’re thousand miles apart from me, and we always have this hard time to adjust because of different time zones, we made it to a point that we have each other’s back. You wake up early to catch me after school, and I stay a bit late to catch your day. It was a challenge for me to continue a friendship that went special as the time passed by. (literally the whole story is kept between us, I can’t spill!! oh love, it can't be spilled all throughout. haha)

It was early June when you told me that you want to enter the US Army and yes you were so determined to go. It was a bit odd but it went kinda rough at first but after that, it went well. We were so ready for the long wait, but in the end, you went to say goodbye so that the waiting thingy will never push through. But it was just you, I never stopped thinking that it is possible for us to wait for something if we really want to. And then with that deleting as a friend drama, it went so not nice because I adjusted myself too much that I can’t even go back to my old body clock, I guess I just don’t want to admit that you were stepping on another plan, a plan that was not made when we were still okay. But thank God it went back to normal after 2months. After your graduation at the Camp, I asked myself if I can continue something that was already going to nothing. But there’s this feeling inside me that pinched me and whispered yes, we can start again as friends, after all those sweet-nothings… ah yes, haha! Somehow it was listed on my best memory list. I just missed those moments.

It was very sad that you were not interested with the same thing as before. You were living another life, and even me, I’m already living a different life, a life full of pre-cautions, fear of trying. I know, I’m still holding something back, but maybe that was just because we lived and we build our memories through promises, that I want to prove to everyone that “Not all promises are made to be broken.” Well, I’m still trying to prove them that. You know what, I became close to someone who has the same first name as yours. His name is John but also doesn’t use his first name just like you. He’s so cool, he’s a nice friend and he has plans, but I don’t know him that well, all I know is he’s a friend, well, he’s a good one. I know for a fact that once a friend is a special one, I have to know him/her that well, that’s how I gain friends… real ones. But then again, sometimes some people are not open to sharing their lives to a stranger. But I'm happy you didn't feel the same way before. meeting people same as your name, sometimes I kinda compare them to you but it's not a good habit though so I kinda prevent myself from doing it so. 

Sometimes, I just want to live a life without worries, just like what you assured me, “makakakita ka nung mas special sakin, yung gagawa ng mas lamang sa mga sinabi ko. After all, sweet-nothings are not a way for something special to happen they’re just inspirations but not a reality you could live with. ”  :)

I don’t know, J, but the thing is I’m still inspired because of what you made me believe since the day we met. Not as a special one anymore, but someone who can make me smile by just reading our old conversations. You were so good at making me smile that we even shared things that goes with our life plans, you as a sergeant and me as a writer.  Lately I got this notion that every time I leave a message on your fb account, you’ll answer automatically. And we end up talking until morning just like before. Yeah right, I missed those moments that I end up sleeping an hour before my 7am class and wait for you to go online when it’s already morning on your place and evening at PH. And those moments you always say, "I'm going to tell all the stories I was not able to tell you because I was busy, when we see each other and those long stories will take us forever to finish them."

As of the moment, I don’t feel guilty but I can assure you, even if I’m not yet ready for something new, there will always be a part me of that will always go back to the past not to blame someone but to learn something new every day.

Sincerely,

Jann 

Happiness is the way we accept things and go back to something like nothing happened but learning not to go back literally to repeat the mistakes, instead, going back because, we don’t want to ruin a friendship. :)